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Bitter Pill

Silence. The older i get, the more i cherish silence, the more i dread silence. Distraction. I seek constant distractions. If i am working, i am not thinking about my failings. If i am playing, i am not dwelling on my fears. Thoughts. Thoughts are unwanted reminders of what should be. I do not want them. If only i could enjoy the bliss of the ignorant. Life. Passing with each second, counting down to the inevitable. Time. Wasted in the pursuit of the trivial. Compulsion. I am compelled to write, as if there is some sequence of perfect words that can change things. There is no such thing. Stop looking for them.

There is only the reality of what is... for me. I have to say for me, since every life form that has ever existed lives in their own reality. It is a wonder that any of us can communicate at all, considering we each reside in a different universe.

How many of us are truly happy with the reality we have created? I have met some in travels. Few actually. Very few. They have an air about them you can't miss, and a smile, a really thin smile that is always there. They are laughing at the folly that parades in front of them. And laugh they should.

I've been laboring under an illusion for many years, that what i think matters. I've been building the illusion since i was a kid, collecting ideas from books and people and travels. Embracing notions that resonate with my thinking, rejecting those that do not. House of cards. That is all it is. I mock the religious for building their house of cards, while perched atop of my own. Perhaps we are all destined to be hypocrites. It is difficult to get through a lifetime without falling into that trap.

I've also been laboring under another illusion, that as an American, i have certain rights. But as is becoming ever more apparent to me, this is simply not true. The rights accorded to American citizens are a contract between Government and the individual, and goes no further than that. When you take a job, the employment contract supercedes those rights, and in states with "Employment At Will", you basically have no rights. Further, the employment contract goes beyond the company parking lot, all the way to your home, where anything you do and say can be used against you.

I've written about his before, that the framework and fabric of our society is being crafted by lawyers. Lawyers represent both side of any issue, sit on the bench that hears all cases, forms the heart of our government, and are the behind-the-scenes engines of social change. It is a sad realization to see how far this country has strayed from the concepts of the founding fathers. They say we get the government we deserve. Apparently what we deserve is to be ruled by greedy self-serving shysters.

I used to believe that rightness of a cause is all that mattered. If you were right, then truth would prevail. What a load of crap. There is no such thing. Truth and justice are concepts we are encouraged to believe in, but in actuality, the definitions are crafted by lawyers to always preserve the power structure of lawyers/politicians on top, then businessmen, then craftsmen, then the ignorant masses. The only difference between this and feudalism is terminology.

It grieves me greatly to write this, and even more when i realize that just the act of posting these words can lead to me losing my job. Anything you post, whether in a blog, website, email, IM, tweet, or any number of social network sites, can be used against you.

It doesn't matter if you think what you write isn't offensive. You don't get to decide what is offensive. Offense is in the eye of the beholder. This is another legacy of the lawyers, who invented political correctness by twisting civil rights legislation, essentially allowing the most easily offended among us to set the speed limit on the one-way road. Over the years, i've learned that people often misinterpret what i write. Of course they do. They live in a different universe than i do. What passes for obvious wisdom to me can rile the blood for someone else, or worse, cause offense, which then become the grounds for dismissal.

This is what bothers me the most, the realization that paradise was not lost, it never existed in the first place. The rights i was clinging to like freedom of speech, ceased the moment i accepted the job. And what choice do i have? I have to pay bills, eat, and sleep. The basics of life, controlled by where i work, the rules defined by lawyers.

It is indeed a bitter pill, but it must be swallowed, and with it the realization that this website must end. Too many people i work with know it exists. As much as it sickens me to admit, i need my job more than i need this outlet. Stevenfenner.com expires in the coming year. I will not be renewing the domain name.